


Overwhelming Loudness

by Ineke (ANightingaleInAGoldenCage)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Autism Spectrum, Neurodiversity, Other, Sensory Overload, an insight in how it is to go through such thing, this is honestly just very personal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22067092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ANightingaleInAGoldenCage/pseuds/Ineke
Summary: Sensory overload is never a fun thing
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Overwhelming Loudness

A baby cries on the other side of the hall. A car rushes past outside. Somewhere in the room a clock is ticking. Papers being rustled. Soft footsteps on the floor. Every bit of it seemingly amplifying in your head, like someone is blasting it through the headphones you wish you had firmly plugged in your ear, playing some kind of melody you are trying so so hard to focus on, even if it’s only in your head. Imagined. Because it’s all you can do to try and keep yourself together, give yourself something else to focus on, to drown the other noises out.

You try to turn up the imaginary volume. Draw into yourself. Trying to focus on the song you desperately try to recall in your head, while also trying to continue your work. It’s hard, but you keep trying to focus on the numbers on the screen in front of you, the mindless task usually a sure-fire way to calm down the loudness in your head, but now only a thing that brings more stress and panic as you also recall the other things you still have to do. So you work harder, keep turning the volume up as loud as you can, trying to desperately to finish the task as soon as you can so some burden is lifted from your shoulders, so it can ease the madness in your head. It isn’t helping just yet.

A laugh. More footsteps. More frantic working and trying harder to focus on the song in your head. You’re being asked something, and before you know it, you snap. Guilt is immediately added on top of your ever growing list of things running in your head, wishing you could’ve stopped yourself. Wishing you could’ve remained calm. Especially when said person immediately gets angry and tells you to act normally. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

But you aren’t normal. Not by most people’s standards. And that doesn’t make you feel better, not remotely.

Emotions take the overhand while the music inside your head fades away. Guilt, stress, the overwhelmingly hate towards yourself because you aren’t understood, will never be understood, and forever have to adjust to other people’s sense of normality which uses up so much energy that you don’t have but you forever need to soldier on because otherwise it gets even worse and please could the noises just stop stop stop.

Someone else asks if you’re okay, because you don’t look it. You lie and say you are, wishing people would just leave you the hell alone, wishing you had music to focus on, have it distract you like the task in front of you is failing to do, wishing to just be normal for once and not have to deal with this shit. You don’t say all of that though, and yet the person in front of you seems to know. Returns with a glass of water, pushes it in your hands, makes you go outside for five minutes so you can escape the loudness, even for just a few minutes.

You’re grateful, but also not, knowing that tasks have to get done, know that the time off won’t help you stressing about it. It makes you feel like a failure, like you can’t finish anything, or just answer a question like everyone else seems to be able to do so, without effort. You know it’s probably not true, that they also have things they struggle with, but yet you continue to feel alone. Misunderstood. Forever feeling the need to apologise for stuff you can’t help even though you work so damn hard to get better at it. Forever trying not to cry when it all gets too much, where even the tiniest bit of noise like a whisper can fully send you into a meltdown. Forever hating the fact that you’re told to act like an adult and be mature when all you want is some understanding. Knowing that episodes like these will render you so tired you can’t deal with anything for the rest of the day, and just soldier on until you can get home and either collapse at the door the second you come in for at least a full half an hour until the loudness has ebbed away and you feel like you can function again without bursting into tears at just the sound of a door closing, or go straight to bed and watch mindless series you’ve seen a million times and don’t need to think about, just to distract you long enough for your mind to clear so you can sleep sleep sleep.

Either way, you take the break, mumble some thanks, get back to work as soon as you felt you taking a mental break took too long (which is usually around a minute already). People leave you alone now, too irritated and not wishing to be snapped at. You know it. You can hear them talking about you behind your back, sometimes. Yet you don’t say anything. Don’t know what to say. Not when you know they will most likely judge you anyway, because you’ve heard them say ableist shit a lot of the time too, or lumping themselves with the diagnosed because of ‘traits’ they have and associate with it. But also because you don’t have the energy to explain it all, don’t want to have to deal with ‘but you don’t look like’ because fuck all of that. And so you swallow it, don’t say anything, and keep to yourself, hoping that the loudness in your head keeps to a tolerable level for the rest of the day, but knowing that it’s most likely not the case.


End file.
